


Learning to Live Again

by Not_Your_Deers



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, implied - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-16 06:40:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28826841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not_Your_Deers/pseuds/Not_Your_Deers
Summary: Lily Evans life was falling apart. After a summer of isolation and near death experiences, she's ready to go back to school. The other Gryffindors know something is up, but they don't know what.As Lily struggles to fight her inner demons she sees a different side of the boy who has been the bain of her life for five years.Coming to terms with what happened has never been easy.
Relationships: Alice Longbottom/Frank Longbottom, Hestia Jones & Alice Longbottom & Mary MacDonald & Marlene McKinnon & Lily Evans Potter, James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lily Evans Potter & Original Character(s), Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape, Lily Evans Potter/Original Male Character(s), Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Frank Longbottom & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter
Kudos: 6





	1. A Difficult Summer

**Author's Note:**

> This is an idea I've been playing with for a while.
> 
> Warning: This fic contains references to self harm and suicide attempts. Do not read if this is a trigger.

Forbidden kisses, lost items, it all reminded her of the fairytales her mother had read to as a girl. Though this didn't seem to have a happily ever after. 

_ Six Months Earlier _

Being at Hogwarts was becoming rather dangerous. The war raging in the world outside of the school's wards was regarding whether she, and people like her, would be able to attend Hogwarts.

Lily Evans always believed that she was no better, or no worse than anyone else. Sure she had long dark wavy red hair, almond emerald green eyes, pale skin, and a decent figure. She also had great marks in school. She was top of the class in all but a couple subjects. Her former best friend Severus was the best at potions, Remus her fellow prefect was best at history of magic, and her least favorite person besides Voldemort was best in transfiguration, with his best mate being a close second.

Lily prided herself on doing her best and not getting into trouble. She had never received a detention and hadn't lost any house points. She wasn't a very outgoing person, though she was kind. She didn't like talking much in class. Her friends were her fellow Gryffindor girls. She often helped others whenever they needed it. Though she never failed to stand up for what she believed to be right.

"Lily!" Her mum called from downstairs, Lily had been writing in her diary about the upcoming school year. She was starting her sixth year and after everything that had happened last year, she hoped that she would be better. She hadn't told anyone, but her dad died the day the Hogwarts Express took them all back to London. He'd been picking Lily up from the station and had been hit by a drunk driver. Lily had been badly injured, but survived. The summer holidays had been really hard. Her sister hated her, her best friend did the unforgivable, her beloved father died, and she had no one to confide in.

"Coming Mum!"

"Do you have your list?"

"It's in my purse." The drive to London was silent. Neither spoke much in the past month. Once they reached the leaky cauldron she was left alone. Her mother wouldn't be able to enter Diagon Alley.

Lily's first stop was to Flourish and Blotts. Wandering between the stacks of books she grabbed the ones required for her classes this year. She'd been reaching to grab a copy of the _Standard Books of Spells: Year Six_ when a familiar raven haired boy walked into her. He knocked her to the ground.

"Oh, my, I'm sorry." The boy apologized before he realized she was on the ground.

"Black!"

"Evans? Why are you on the floor?"

"You knocked me over." Black extended a hand out. Lily took it, before he helped her off of the ground. The sleeve of her jumper slid up a tad, revealing the edge of a white bandage. Once she was standing, Lily pulled both sleeves back down.

"Padfoot!" Another boy walked into the row where Black and Lily were now standing.

"Prongs, mate, look who I bumped into."

"Evans."

"Potter." Lily's voice dripped with malice. She had yet to forgive him for the incident at the Black Lake. "I'm surprised to see you." She kept her expression from showing any emotion.

"Why would you be surprised to see me?"

"Because we're in a bookshop. A concept foreign to you I know."

"I read."

" _Quidditch Through the Ages_ doesn't count."

"Excuse me. Boys, hurry up." An elderly witch walked into the aisle.

"Sure Mum." James smiled at the witch, taking Lily by surprise.

"Who's this?" The witch looked at Lily.

"Oh, right. Mum, this is Lily Evans. Lily this is my mum."

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Potter."

"Pleased to meet you dear." Black stood there watching. Something about Lily was different, something he couldn't place.

"Sirius, dear, stop staring. It's odd." Mrs. Potter said with a faint laugh.

"Sorry. Well, see ya, Evans." Sirius grabbed the books he and Potter needed for school. He also handed Lily a copy as he already was grabbing _Standard Book of Spells: Year Six_.

"Thanks Black." She watched the three walk away. Putting the Potters from her head she continued to shop for her school supplies. Once she had finished at the apothecary she headed back to Muggle London. Her mum picked her up and took her to a late lunch.

"Did you get everything?"

"Yeah, I got a couple of extra quills and ink for writing in my diary."

"Dr. Livingstone will be glad to hear that." Lily sighed, after her father's death, she'd been sent to see a psychologist. "Make sure to talk to someone if you start feeling uneasy."

"I will." The scars though concealed and covered remained. Lily's life had taken a horribly tragic and awful turn during her OWLS the year before. Her dad's death and best friend's betrayal had pushed her over the edge. It hadn't even seemed real. The blade running across her wrist, crimson blood matching her hair flowing free. Her pale skin lost color quickly. She had to have stitches and her wrist wrapped for weeks. She hadn't told a soul. The only people who knew were her psychologist, mom, and her sister. Petunia and her had bonded once again after the loss of their father. Even though Lily had people who cared for her, she hadn't ever felt more alone.

The remaining weeks of summer holiday passed slowly. Each day Lily watched the clock as each second ticked by. Another second closer to her return to magic, and away from worried gazes. Dr. Livingstone had been worried about her backsliding while she was at Hogwarts. After numerous letters and meetings she was cleared to return to school as long as she had someone to be able to talk to at any time of day


	2. Back to Hogwarts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a rough summer, Lily is heading back to Hogwarts. Two certain dark haired boys can tell something is bothering her but don't know what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter two.
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys.

Finally September 1st arrived. Lily changed into uniform instead of normal clothes. She left the robes off as they would draw attention, but the sweater and button down shirt covered the scars. She applied a generous amount of concealer to the underside of her eyes. They were purple with a lack of sleep. The girl in the mirror appeared to be her but didn't look anything like her.

She was only a shell of her former self. She tried smiling but it looked like a grimace. Settling for a slight smile she headed downstairs. Tuney and her mother were having a whispered conversation at the dining room table. Not wanting to know she grabbed toast. The three Evans' women headed for Kings Cross station not soon after. A song came playing on the radio. It was something all three women knew. They all began singing along, the past forgotten for a couple of minutes. As the song ended they arrived at the bustling train station.

Upon reaching the barrier, Lily hugged her sister and her mother goodbye.

"Lil, I love you. Remember that." Petunia said, tears filling her eyes.

"Have a good semester. Don't forget to write if you choose to stay for winter holiday." Her mother reminded her.

"I won't." She gave a final wave and walked through the barrier. The other side there were students and families waving and laughing. Owls hooted, cays yawned, frogs croaked. The familiarity brought a more natural smile to the girl's lips. Handing her trunk off to the usual loader she boarded the Scarlett steam engine. Taking a seat, she stared out the window. The compartment was empty. None of the other sixth year Gryffindors were there yet. As prefect she and Remus were allowed to sit up front, but usually preferred to sit with their housemates and peers.

"You're early." A voice woke from the compartment door. It was Remus, her fellow prefect and close friend.

"Light traffic. How was your summer?"

"The usual. How was yours?" Lily knew about Remus' furry little problem and felt bad for her friend.

"Mind was fine. Nothing exciting happened." The first lie of the year. She self consciously pulled down her sleeves. Fear someone would find out her secret overtook her.

"Evans, Moony, nice to see you both." Peter was the next to arrive.

Alice and Frank walked in together. They had been dating since the end of fourth year.

Marlene, Mary, Dorcus showed up in rapt succession. It seemed the only two missing were Black and Potter (the bain of her existence.)

"Well, well, well, look what we have here?" Avery, a nasty Slytherin death eater wannabe snarled. "Blood traitors and mudbloods." The last word made Mary and Lily cringe. They were both muggle born.

"Look, some village is missing its idiot." Another voice replied from behind the boy and his gang.

"Black!" Sirius Black and James Potter had finally arrived. The Slytherins left not wanting to incite a fight they couldn't win.

"About time. We were wondering where the two of you had been."

"Sorry, Mum wanted to tell us not to get in any more trouble." James replied casually.

"Evans, are you feeling well?" Sirius took notice of Lily’s changed appearance. She had gotten paler, sunken in skin, her hair had less shine. She looked ill.

"I'm fine, I think. It's probably a bug or something. I'll see Pomfrey when we get there."

"Evans, are you sure you're alright? You look really different. Especially when I ran into you at Flourish and Blotts. Who wears a jumper in July?"

"I was cold. I'm fine!" Her anger boiled to the surface. The compartment was stifling. She opened the door and stepped out. Tears flooded her eyes. It had only been a matter of minutes and James Potter was already under her skin. Lily needed to keep it together. She refused to sink into her depression.

"Evans?" An unfamiliar voice asked, grabbing her attention. It was another prefect, one she hadn't talked to before.

"Yes, hi." She discreetly wiped her tears. "Sorry, I don't think I actually know your name."

He laughed. "No worries. I'm Alex."

"Pleasure to meet you."

"You look like you could use someone to talk to."

"Yeah." She gave a watery laugh. Alex was different than most.

"Want to join me in my compartment?"

"Sure." He helped her to her feet. Giving one last glance towards the others she followed after Alex.

"So, what's got you crying on corridor floors?" His smile, it made her feel safe. A feeling she hadn't felt since last May.

"A bunch of stuff. The latest, Potter."

"Oh, what did he do this time?"

"Him and Black keep insinuating stuff. Currently, it's that I look really sick and that it is weird to wear a jumper in July." Alex raised an eyebrow.

"Jerks. Evans, don't give them the time of day. You are amazing. Plus, I've worn jumpers in July. It's normal if it's cold."

"See. I'm not crazy." Alex was really kind. He really seemed to want to talk to Lily, not at her. "What did you do this summer?" The smile faltered.

"Went to my mom's funeral. She was killed by death eaters."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Though I know how you feel. Losing a parent is hard."

"How do you know?"

"My dad died. It's my fault."

"How?" Alex took her hand. He was a breath of fresh air. He wasn't looking at her like she was broken.

"He was picking me up from the station. A drunk driver slammed into the car. I'm lucky to still be alive."

"That's not your fault."

"Yeah it is. I never told anyone I used magic to try and stop it. Obviously the ministry knew, but they never sent a letter or anything."

"Life threatening situations right." Surprise overtook Lily. How did Alex know?

"My dad works in the department for the misuse of magic. He was trying to determine if he should bring you in or not. Everyone was trying to determine if the situation constituted life threatening."

"Oh, wow."

"Yeah. I'm sorry to hear about it being you though." He gave her a small side hug. After a fashion of them sitting listening to silence she spoke.

"Sorry about your mom."

"Yeah, it's been weird." Lily nodded, she knew the hole of a missing parent all too well.

"If you ever want to talk…" Lily trailed off.

"Thanks, who knows this may be the start of a brilliant friendship." She laughed, it was a real one. It wasn't much, but it meant a lot.

"I should get back. Who knows what Potter and Black have done since I left." She shuddered at the thought.

"Leaving that group alone, what a terrifying thought." Lily left the compartment feeling a tad better than she had all summer. The walk back to the other Gryffindors was short. As the countryside passed outside the windows she let her mind travel along with it. Finally reaching the compartment she pulled the door open.

"Evans, welcome back." Peter greeted, he was rather friendly to her. Lily could feel someone's eyes on her. Like they were watching her every move. She sat next to Alice.

Sirius kept an eye on her while enjoying his game of exploding snap with the others. Lily could tell he knew something was up. She felt as if under a microscope. Potter was doing the same though for different reasons. Pulling a book out, she tried to ignore their gaze. The words in front of her seemed to blend together.

The train ride finally ended pulling into Hogsmead. Quickly she disembarked barely waiting for her friends. The carriage ride to the castle seemed to take much longer than usual. The stars in the night sky seemed to twinkle dimmer than usual. It felt as if the whole world reflected upon her mood. After the sorting, dinner, and Dumbledore's usual speech she was finally able to head to bed. Minutes after her head hit the pillow tears pooled in her eyes. McGonagall had wanted to talk to her in regards to her summer. It had been expected. What hadn't been expected was Madame Pomfrey wanting to see her.

The school nurse's tatting at her scars made her feel worse. Though only one day into the term Lily already could feel the weight of her lies pressing upon her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was the second chapter. It will maintain the dark streak for a while. Got to build up angst.
> 
> Enjoy whatever season's weather you might be having.
> 
> Leave a comment, kudos, both, or neither. The choice resides in your hands.
> 
> The Gryffindor ❤

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, that was the first chapter. It is dark, though there will be some moments of light.
> 
> I hope everyone enjoyed reading this.
> 
> Enjoy your summer or winter wherever you are. Co-Vid can't last much longer.
> 
> Leave a comment, kudos, both or neither. The choice rests withing your hands.
> 
> The Gryffindor ❤


End file.
